at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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