the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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