oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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