You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
