No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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