I just made out with a guy for $7.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
