Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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