I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
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You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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