and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize