how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
