my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Randomize
