We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize