that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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