Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
