Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
