I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
