The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
