i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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