she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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