I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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