At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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