Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
