i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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