worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
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