I'm really into asian looking animals
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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