I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
