yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
