She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
