Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
