i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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