Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
