They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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