I hate all girls vehemently.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
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