i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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