The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
