I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
