my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
My liver just had a heart attack.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Dick very happy bro
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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