jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
i want to swaddle you in tequila
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
