My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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