Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
My bed smells like the plague
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
