so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
