The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
