Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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