Duck Duck Cougar?
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
i think my cat just said my name.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
