I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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