Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
So squirting runs in the family.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
