There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Randomize
