he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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