Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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