Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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