I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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