I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
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So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
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And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
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