im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
