He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
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