I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Bring me that man meat
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
