Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Randomize
