Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Randomize
