Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
