New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
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